I was extremely unhappy, depressed, hurting myself… even attempted suicide. I was hiding it extremely well though, so nobody knew was happening with me. But regardless of what society said, I never gave up on this feeling. Trusting my instincts made me much stronger and pushed me to become what I am today.
The coming out
was a long and extremely difficult journey.
I came out for the first time when I was 18, when I moved to Skopje to study architecture. I met a girl, which now is my best friend. One night we were having drinks, and she just bluntly asked me if I was gay. I was sweating like crazy, started muttering…. And just blurted out YES, and started crying. That was the first time that I accepted myself for who I am. After that, slowly I started telling my friends, and they accepted me without a problem. Taking down the mask was the best feeling ever, not having to pretend anymore. Life in Skopje was looking good, I started meeting other people from the LGBTIQ
community. I had my first love, and started opening up more and more, and to accept myself.
My brother was the first person from my family who got to know who I really am. He was and still is a big support in my life, along with my mother. We talked about my life for the first time when she came to visit me in Amsterdam in 2017. She told me that she knew, and that she understood why I had to leave, that if I had stayed in Macedonia, I would never had a good life. She saw how happy I was in Amsterdam, and that I can be who I really am without anyone judging me. My mom is extremely proud and my biggest support ever. Years back, I never thought I would have this kind of relationship with her, that one day I could openly talk to her about my relationships and hear her advice. Before all of this, I always felt that coming out to my family would be terrifying… I thought that I will be rejected, that they would try to "cure" me, or that I would be an embarrassment for the family. In the end, it turned out to be completely opposite, and I couldn't be more grateful for it.
I do miss my previous life sometimes, especially my family and friends. It's hard not to be surrounded by the people that know you the most, and the people that saw you grow up. But I know that they support me a lot and they are always there for me no matter what. I want to live my life to the fullest and help people the best way I know how, and in order to do that, I have to be in a place where I can be my true self and be the best version of myself.