The girls and boys who come to Raduzhny Mir
tell that the realization came to them when they were 15-16 years. To me it happened much later. I realized that I liked a girl when I was 21.
She was crossing the street and gave a smile to someone. I saw her profile. In fact, it is difficult to say that she was very attractive, but she seemed to me incredible. I went into overdrive. Those days I was living in the hostel of the Academy of Agricultural Sciences where I was studying to be an agriculturist (it was a very strange, especially to the Permsky Kray, specialty "Fruit and vegetable growing and grape growing"). Somehow miraculously she settled in my section. We constantly met each other. We got acquainted. She had a T-shirt with Surganova
, and at that time this meant a lot to me. I liked her. But it took two years to realize: I don't only like her — I want intimacy with her.
It was not until later, in Raduzhny Mir, that we realized that the problem raises not so much as from the lack of information, but from that a person does not accept himself and simply does not allow himself to search for this information. I understood everything, but a strong protest was inside me. One part said: "I want, I want" and the second slapped on the wrist: "This is not for you, wait and everything will go away." I am such a bore ... I have made a very long way to accept myself. And I also understood that the society does not accept such people.
In addition, I was keen on Orthodox Christianity at that time. No, this is not from the family, at that time the family was indifferent to the religion. Probably the Orthodox Christianity was exactly the manifestation of the teenage protest, the search for own place in the world. I would not say that I was fanatically religious, but some of the steady stereotypes become stable due to the religion.