And then I realized that I had feelings to her. I did not want to call it something, it was very fearful. I thought: "The society is homophobic
, the friends and girlfriends will turn away, my mom wants to have grandchildren: she would definitely kick me out of the house. I will be alone, alone with my lesbian nature." Then I didn't even suspect that there is a community, there are people who are ready to support, accept, share experience.
It was a difficult process. It was a constant challenge of my own opinion and experience, internal disputes about whether I need it. I started seeking information. I read VKontakte groups or Facebook, surveys, articles, notes, personal stories. This helped to admit the very idea that I was a lesbian. Plus, the internal deviant rebel played its role: I wanted to realize myself as soon as possible and shout what I were and who I were.
Finally, I myself "sold" the idea of how important it is to call a spade a spade. And everything fell into place. I began to say that I was "in the family". Fears have gone. Except for those associated with violence from homophobes - they can beat in any case, whether I accept myself or not.