I worked in a beauty salon as an administrator. A new employee came to us. She came out
as a lesbian. I remember I took it absolutely easy. I had a lot of questions to her, and I was not ashamed to ask them, she answered openly and frankly.
Then I was completely unfamiliar with the topic of homosexuality
, I still could not identify myself, and the questions were stupid. Something like "How do you do this?".
We started to be friends. And then I realized that I had feelings to her. I did not want to call it something, it was very fearful. I thought: "The society is homophobic
, the friends and girlfriends will turn away, my mom wants to have grandchildren: she would definitely kick me out of the house. I will be alone, alone with my lesbian nature." Then I didn't even suspect that there is a community, there are people who are ready to support, accept, share experience.
Yes, most of all I was afraid of being left alone, misunderstood and unaccepted, at worst - beaten or killed. I even had thoughts about suicide. Then I wanted to move somewhere in America. And then I decided to merely understand how to live with it.
It was a difficult process. It was a constant challenge of my own opinion and experience, internal disputes about whether I need it. I started seeking information. I read various publications in social networks, surveys, articles, notes, personal stories. This helped to admit the very idea that I was a lesbian. Plus, the internal deviant rebel played its role: I wanted to realize myself as soon as possible and shout what I were and who I were.
Finally, I myself "sold" the idea of how important it is to call a spade a spade. And everything fell into place. I began to say that I was "in the family."
Fears have gone. Except for those associated with violence from homophobes - they can beat in any case, whether I accept myself or not.